The mindset that holds us back from helping others

I recently attended a wedding where an incident left me to reflect on a mindset that often appears in subtle ways. One of the guests raised concerns with the groom’s family about the room allotted to them. They were uncomfortable with the air conditioning and the room freshener, and the conversation eventually led to a minor disagreement with the caretaker. What made the situation unusual was those other guests staying on the same floor seemed comfortable with both the rooms and the service. My friend, who was the groom’s brother, responded calmly and offered them a non-air-conditioned room, requesting that they shift if the current arrangement was inconvenient. However, despite their long list of complaints, they were unwilling to move out.

The family was already managing several unexpected guests and was running short of air-conditioned rooms. The guest was aware of this constraint yet preferred to continue occupying the room without using the air conditioning rather than making it available to relatives who may have needed it more.

That incident reminded me of the early years of my professional journey, when I was still building my presentation and storytelling skills. My manager had advised me to refer to a few decks from another team to understand structure, flow, and narrative techniques. I reached out to the team, and in my manager’s presence, they assured me that they would help. However, they later cited multiple reasons for not sharing a reference deck, including client confidentiality. Although I was working on an unrelated category and needed the deck purely for learning, the team lead tactfully declined to share it.

At that point, I could have felt discouraged. Instead, I chose to redirect my efforts towards strengthening my communication, structuring, and storytelling abilities. With guidance from a few generous mentors and valuable learning from The Pyramid Principle, I gradually improved. Looking back, both incidents reveal a common pattern: a scarcity mindset. It is the belief that someone else’s comfort, growth, or success somehow reduces one’s own opportunities. At its core, this mindset is often rooted in insecurity.

This behaviour is not limited to others; I have seen traces of it in myself too. During my school days, especially around examinations, I would quickly turn the pages of my textbook whenever someone tried to see what I was reading. My logic, amusing as it sounds now, was that if a question came from that section, I would be better prepared than the person trying to look at my book. Over time, I realised how limited that thinking was. I was able to move beyond it only when I truly understood the saying, “A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.”

In professional environments, the scarcity mindset can be difficult to identify because it is often hidden behind polite conversations, guarded behaviour, or selective sharing. We may appear collaborative on the surface, yet hesitate to share knowledge, opportunities, or appreciation. Over the years, a few mentors helped me recognise and overcome this mindset through practical habits that are useful in both personal and professional life.

1.      Practise gratitude. It is important to recognise the many things we already have. We often focus so much on what is missing that we fail to appreciate what exists in abundance.

2.      Share generously and be kind. Knowledge, support, and kindness don’t diminish when shared. In fact, they often return in greater measure. Celebrating the success of others helps reduce insecurity and strengthens relationships.

3.      Stop comparing. Everyone’s skills, journey, and achievements are different. Comparison often creates unnecessary pressure. Diversity itself is a strength, much like the fingers on a hand—each one is different, yet all are valuable.

4.      Identify your triggers. Honest self-assessment is essential. When we understand what causes insecurity, we are already halfway towards addressing it. Denial only allows the mindset to grow stronger.

An abundance mindset does not mean ignoring one’s own aspirations. It means understanding that helping others grow does not reduce our own potential. In fact, the willingness to share, support, and celebrate others often expands our own learning, credibility, and relationships. The more we move from insecurity to generosity, the more we create environments where everyone has the space to grow.

(The writer is the author of Building Blocks: Lessons on leadership that I’ve learnt on my journey, and the founder of Prajna Consulting, a boutique consulting firm. Views are personal.)