A truthful ‘no’ is better than a dishonest ‘yes’

Recently, my son reached out to people to raise funds for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. I felt proud because he was working for a noble cause. The responses he received fell into three groups: those who appreciated his effort and contributed, those who politely said they were unable to contribute, and those who promised to donate later but never did.

My son followed up with some of the people in the third category, but even then they did not contribute. Instead, they offered more assurances. He asked me, “Why can’t they simply say ‘No’ instead of lying to me?” I told him that we do come across such people, but that should only strengthen our own commitment to truth. What troubled me most was not just the disappointment, but the effect such behaviour can have on the minds of the next generation.

Around the same time, I experienced something similar at a book-signing event in Chennai. Several people told me they would attend, yet they did not show up.

This was not an isolated experience. Over the years, I have faced many such false commitments—from family and friends to senior executives in different fields. What is most disappointing is that people rarely apologise for promises they never intended to keep. Whenever this happens, I also remind myself that in my early career I behaved in similar ways until mentors pointed out this weakness and helped me correct it. Sometimes I have gently told people that it is far better to be direct than evasive. A few genuinely try to change; others simply admit they should improve and then carry on as before.

People who fail to honour commitments are usually not unaware of what they are doing. Over time, however, many begin to believe that such behaviour is normal and harmless. They do not realise the poor impression they leave on others or the damage they cause to trust. We sometimes blame culture, society, or circumstances, but the real issue lies within us. In most Indian homes, children are taught not to lie and to respect others. False commitments violate both values. It is always better to say at the outset that something is not possible than to give false hope, even if that is difficult in the moment.

One of my mentors once told me, “Be honest about your commitments—if something is not feasible, it is not feasible.” People may not like hearing “No”, but in life we must decline some things to make space for what truly matters. A lie is always worse than admitting a limitation. When my son asked why people behave dishonestly, those words returned to me immediately.

When I began learning to say “No”, I discovered that people often feel hurt when they are refused, especially when the request matters deeply to them. Yet agreeing merely to keep them happy, without the intention or ability to follow through, is far more damaging. I realised that saying “No” is not enough; one must say it with sincerity, courtesy, and clarity. A truthful explanation, polite language, and, where possible, an alternative can make refusal more respectful. During that period, I came across Mahatma Gandhi’s words, which have stayed with me ever since: “A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.”

Over time, I have adopted a few practices that may help anyone learn the art of saying “No” with honesty and grace:

1. Reflect before responding. Do not agree or decline in haste. If needed, ask for a little time, but make sure you reply within the time promised. Never leave matters hanging; end with a clear “Yes” or “No” and a proper explanation.

2. Value honesty above temporary comfort. We often think agreeing will spare the other person’s feelings and that they will understand later if we fail to deliver. In reality, that usually hurts the relationship more.

3. Once you commit, stand by your word. Do not avoid calls or pretend to be busy in personal or professional life. A commitment must outlast the excitement with which it was first made.

4. If circumstances genuinely change after you have committed, explain honestly and apologise. Complete communication matters just as much as good intention.

5. Do not blame society, culture, or circumstances for personal shortcomings. Truthfulness and respect are individual responsibilities.

(The writer is the author of Building Blocks: Lessons on leadership that I’ve learnt on my journey, and the founder of Prajna Consulting, a boutique consulting firm. Views are personal.)